If you were asked to invest in your future best self right now, where would you put your time and energy? For many, the answer is wealth and fame. In a survey of Millennials, 80% said getting rich was a major life goal.
However, the Harvard Study of Adult Development—the longest study on happiness ever conducted—suggests we’ve been looking in the wrong places. After tracking 724 men for 75 years, the message is strikingly simple: Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period.
The 75-Year Journey
Since 1938, researchers have followed two groups of men: Harvard sophomores and boys from Boston’s poorest neighborhoods. They didn’t just send questionnaires; they interviewed them in their living rooms, scanned their brains, and talked to their families.
From this mountain of data, three big lessons about relationships emerged:
1. Social Connection is a Life-Saver
Loneliness isn’t just sad—it’s toxic. People who are more socially connected to family, friends, and community are physically healthier and live longer. Conversely, those who are more isolated find their brain function declines sooner and they live shorter lives.
2. Quality Over Quantity
It’s not about how many friends you have or whether you’re in a committed relationship; it’s the quality of your close relationships that matters. Living in the midst of conflict is actually worse for your health than getting a divorce, while warm relationships are protective .
3. Relationships Protect the Brain
A secure attachment in your 80s doesn’t just protect your body; it protects your brain. Those who feel they can truly count on their partner in times of need find that their memories stay sharper for longer .
How to “Lean In” to Relationships
Why do we ignore this wisdom? Because relationships are messy, complicated, and require lifelong work. Unlike wealth or fame, there is no “quick fix.”
If you want to start building a “good life” today, here are practical ways to lean into relationships:
- Replace screen time with people time: Liven up a stale relationship by doing something new together, like long walks or date nights.
- Reach out to family: Heal old grudges, as family feuds take a terrible toll on those who hold them.
- Build “Playmates”: The happiest retirees were those who worked to replace workmates with new social connections
Conclusion
As Mark Twain once wrote, “There isn’t time, so brief is life, for bickerings, apologies, heartburnings, callings to account. There is only time for loving”.
The good life is not built with bank accounts or social media followers; it is built with good relationships.
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